The calm before...

a beginner's guide to new zealand for uncultured shitlords

Auckland: where most of the shit in the country happens, the skytower (which isn't actually all that tall) and insane road-raging drivers. also a shitty theme park. volcano central. ps it's the only theme park in the country.

Wellington: parliament shit, capital city of the country. also a building that is supposed to be a beehive and looks more like a dalek, all the 'cool hipsters' live here because its expensive and classy

Rotorua: smells constantly of rotten eggs and is really the only place in the north island with interesting shit going on.

Hobbiton: actually a place where the shire was filmed with a pub you can drink at and take tours around

Taupo: it used to be a volcano that shit itself so hard it literally collapsed in on itself and is now a lake that people cycle around

Waiheke Island: everyone here has dreadlocks and is slightly weird as a requirement

Hamilton: the chlamydia capital of new zealand. seriously just don't ever go here ever.

Napier: used to be earthquake central, used to have dolphins, used to have a lot of shit it doesnt have anymore

Christchurch: new earthquake central. just a fuckload of earthquakes.

Invercargill: cold as fuck and nobody really cares

Queenstown: generally the best place to holiday because of snow and the southern alps for people who actually do physical activity

Gore: lol who the fuck cares, sheep and rednecks

Dunedin: probably the only normal place in this entire fucking country

Stewart Island: the fuck is this

Southern Alps: basically any snowy mountain scene you see in the lord of the rings movies

The Entirety of New Zealand: sheep. sheep fucking everywhere. we aren't kidding you.

Nationality: we are kiwis. kiwi is a nationality, it is also a tiny flightless bird and the fruits you uncultured swines are called kiwifruits.